A Story Under Pressure

"If someone succumbs to pressure, does it make them weak or does it make them human?"

This is one of those questions, that in their essence seem quite pointless. You know right, that kind of questions? The 'what does this mean for humanity as a whole', the 'subjectivity of rights and wrongs', the 'kindness a strength or weakness", etc kind? The questions that very few of us actually care about? Yes, this is one of those.

Do you remember what it's like to be in the 9th standard? You are in your mid-teens, trying to adjust to your physical and psychological changes from the puberty hit, people around you are also going through the same, the validation from your classmates/friends/almost anyone becomes a lot more important to you etc. Yes, this is a story from that time.

When I entered the 9th standard, there was a lot of buzz that accompanied the event. And if you are not aware of the Indian CBSE education system, all you need to know is 9th and 11th standard are considered to be the toughest parts of the 12-year schooling system, for there is a significant increase in the sheer amount of syllabus at these points. The type of questions see a transformation from theory-based questions to application-based questions, which can be difficult considering the system, in its 8 years, doesn't prepare you for it. Another significant change was brought by the fact that in our school, the 8th standard was divided into two sections, while the 9th standard was divided into three. So, consequently, there was reshuffling and migration of students from the two sections among each other, a new section was created; and we transitioned to the 9th standard. 

So there we were, with a lot of new people and a few old ones, a new and a much more strenuous curriculum, a new classroom, a new year and a new era of hope and fear. Why am I telling you all this? With the sole objective of ensuring that you understand, when I say that there was a new kind of pressure suddenly bestowed upon us; one that we weren't familiar with, or prepared for.

I did have friends and a little more female interaction than what I was used to. It was indeed a good change of scene. Needless to say, it was an important year that carries a bunch of memories. And one of these memories, is a faint shadow of a person. Someone I used to know. Now don't judge me when I say this, but I don't remember when she joined our school. It was either in the 8th or probably in the 9th standard itself. But whenever she joined, she was a brilliant addition to our little group.

For the sake of this story, we will call her Sima. Sima was a very intelligent student. She entered and almost immediately joined the list of students that teachers keep in their good records. She was an overall achiever of sorts. Brilliant personality, friendly, ready to take responsibilities and see them through, easily likeable etc. But what stood out the most, was her ambitiousness. Especially for someone who had just entered the 9th standard, her confidence was something to look up towards. 

What you need to understand though, is that this is my opinion. And my batchmates, sadly, didn't agree with me. Why? Because she was kind of a teacher favourite. And it's a habit of teachers to make sure they give an example of their ideal student, whenever someone 'less ideal' messes up. Which in turn creates grudges and hatred, both born out of jealousy, among the students who continuously have to listen to why they are not good enough and who they should be more like.

I remember, a coaching institute made us take a test for some kind of scholarship which we all knew was just a ruse for admission to that institute. So when this test happened, we took it even though we were uninterested. A few days later, Sima enters the class in the first lecture and shows our class teacher the trophy and cash prize that she had gotten as she had topped the area or district or something like that. And this is who Sima was in her true essence. Someone who not only took the exam that she knew was pointless, but also took it as seriously as anything else in her life, while possessing the intelligence and courage to support her endeavours. A person who knew what she wanted, and would make any effort necessary to get it.

But I often say, it is as easy to make someone you are inspired by, your enemy. And sadly, a lot of my classmates were on the other side of my quote. There was a lot of rather childish hatred towards her, led by the tag of a teacher's pet. It was so silly and yet it was what it was. Her so-called friends used to talk behind her back (and sometimes to her face too) and I used to listen sometimes with curiosity, as to how they justify their hate. And most of the times it was objectively just pulling her down so that everyone comes down to the same level in the name of class unity.

It was too difficult for the minds of 9th standard students, to understand why she was doing what she was doing. She was just another product of this education system where scoring marks is mostly what mattered, with, if you were lucky, some sprinkles of creative competitions here and there. So when you have been brought up in an environment where you have to do well in things you don't really care about, you need something to motivate you towards persistence. And this 'something' for her was the validation she got from the guardian figures in her life. I think if my classmates understood this, they would have been a little kinder, and my story probably would have ended right here.

So here was this girl, who was confident in who she was and what she wanted, and then there was the group of people she was surrounded by, who were all either actively or passively aggressive towards her. And then there was me, standing in a corner of the room, observing all this. And to my surprise, do you know what she did? She ignored, she fought back and she kept doing what she thought was right. And for someone like me, someone who had a compulsive disorder to ensure everyone either likes him or at least doesn't care about his existence, someone who would rather be in the background and help the one on stage than going on stage; her attitude towards her life was nothing less than extraordinary. A true fighter of sorts. And I really wish that my story would have ended with this image of her in my mind. But that is not what happened.

At times, I saw her crying, sometimes due to some 'friends' of her, other times due to her failing the high standard that she had set for herself in terms of academics, and I wanted to tell her that she was right. That she wasn't the problem, our batch was. And that she doesn't deserve all this cruelty. But my conversational skills, especially with the opposite gender, wasn't as developed to ever be able to tell her that.

And unfortunately, with a lot of little factors involved, I saw her gradually changing over time. I think mental isolation when surrounded by a huge group of similar people, can be extremely exhausting; one can tolerate only so much. And so gradually, I observed her as she was slowly becoming one of 'us', the classical definition of 'us' where being sincere and respecting teachers was looked down upon a little. Her image in front of her classmates started to matter more to her. I think there was a little sad love story involved somewhere, but I would rather not write about it, as I don't know enough. But eventually, she became one of 'us'.

And I have been a little disappointed, ever since. Because I wanted to see her as she had joined our school, the person who was a lot of what I wanted myself to be, confident in her abilities, and ready to face the world for what she believes in. A person who would rather be standing alone with Athena than blend in with the Hermes. But she wasn't that. She was normal, she was human; as human as any of us. 

And ever since, this question of succumbing to pressure has been clogging my mind. Do I have an answer? No. Do I have an opinion? Definitely. That it is as human to fight back as it is to bow down. That it is as human to run into the fire, as it is to run away from it. It is never about who is weak but rather what you truely care about. So what do I think of her? I am aware of where she is in her life, and she probably is happy. And that is all that should matter. But do I respect her less? Never. These expectations that I had kept in my mind, they are more of my burden than anyone else's. And even today in some of my low moments, that shadow of Sima acts as my inspiration.

This is just one of the cherished memories that has haunted me at times, while comforted me at others. She has been both the inspiration and the consolation for a lot of my non-academic successes and failures respectively. And she will always be an important influence on my psyche for the rest of my life. So to finish this with another one of my quotes:

"It is as human to succumb to pressure, as it is to rise above it;

 to be the hero for everyone else, or to be the one who needs it."

-Sushant Kumar Das